Three Months Later

This is the first time I’ve written here in three months.

I’ll be honest — I almost debated writing something and backdating it to make it look like I hadn’t disappeared for a little while. You know… just quietly slide a post in there like nothing happened.

But that wouldn’t be real. And the whole point of this blog is honesty.

Life happens.

And in the last three months, a lot has happened.

Since the holidays, I got engaged to the love of my life. My 90-day review at work went really well. I turned 33 years old. Our honeymoon is booked. We’re getting married in June. I’m getting back on track with eating well and working out.

Personally, things are going very well.

And honestly, when it comes to getting married, I sometimes have moments where I sit back and think, I can’t believe this is my life.

I feel incredibly grateful that God — or the universe, depending on which language you prefer — placed this man into my life. It makes me realize that everything I’ve been through somehow led me here.

Which is beautiful.

But here’s the part that doesn’t always get talked about.

Even when life looks good on the outside, things can still feel messy internally.

Because alongside all these wonderful things, I’ve still had days where my mind goes into overdrive. Overthinking. Overanalyzing. Trying to control everything.

Apparently getting engaged doesn’t magically cure that.

I also turned 33 recently, which logically I know is not old… but something about birthdays always makes me feel like time is moving at warp speed. Suddenly I’m reorganizing my entire life in my planner as if the next decade depends on color-coded tabs and a new set of goals.

I made a list of 50 bucket-list items across different areas of my life. Quarterly goals. Areas of focus. Vision boards. The whole thing.

And while structure can be helpful, I noticed something happening underneath it all.

I started tightening my grip on life.

Trying to control outcomes. Trying to plan everything perfectly. Trying to make sure time wasn’t “slipping away.”

Which led me to ask myself a pretty honest question:

Why do I feel the need to control so much?

Why is it so hard to just let life unfold sometimes?

It feels like this constant push and pull. One moment I feel surrendered and trusting… the next moment I’m back in my planner reorganizing my future for the fourth time that week.

It made me wonder if I truly have full acceptance of the things I cannot control.

I like to think I do.

But if I’m being honest, it ebbs and flows.

Sometimes I water one area of my life and completely forget another. I forget balance. I forget trust. I forget to slow down.

So recently I started repeating a new daily affirmation to myself:

“I am a woman choosing wisdom over impulse, truth over emotion, and trust over control.”

I’m trying to wire that reminder into my brain.

Because when I do pause long enough to remember it, I feel an immediate sense of relief.

Let it go.
Let them.
Let life be.

That doesn’t mean I stop caring. It doesn’t mean I stop trying or stop having goals.

But it does mean I slow down.

Because everything in life feels like go, go, go.

Be productive. Be busy. Do this. Achieve that.

And somewhere in the middle of all that, we forget something important.

Where is the rest?

Where is the recovery?

Where is the respect we should be showing our own bodies and minds?

Not everything is a crisis.
Not everything is an emergency.

Sometimes the best thing we can do is pause, breathe, and remember to enjoy where we are right now.

Because the journey really is the best part.

Another area where I’ve been doing some reflection is my faith.

There was a day recently where I caught myself questioning God. Part of me started leaning back toward the language of “the universe,” because there’s a certain comfort in something you can see and experience tangibly.

After all, I can see the universe. I live in it every day.

But then I started reading through Proverbs, and one verse stopped me in my tracks:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” — Proverbs 3:5

That hit me.

Because our understanding is limited to what we can see in front of us.

God’s wisdom isn’t.

Instead of saying “I’ll believe when I see,” faith says something different:

Because I believe, I can move forward before I see.

And that kind of faith doesn’t just change your relationship with God — it changes your relationship with yourself, with others, and with the way you move through life.

So what am I learning in this season?

I’m learning that even during beautiful seasons of life, internal struggles can still exist.

I’m learning that self-sabotage and negative self-talk have no place in the life I’m trying to build.

If I wouldn’t say something cruel to my best friend, why would I say it to myself?

I’m learning that imposter syndrome can show up even when good things are happening.

But that doesn’t mean I should feel guilty for receiving the goodness life brings.

Instead, I’m reminding myself to accept it.

To enjoy it.

To give myself grace.

Because maybe the lesson right now isn’t about controlling life.

Maybe it’s about trusting it.

And remembering that I deserve the beautiful things I’ve been waiting for.